I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
