I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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