i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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