shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
