There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
