**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
