I am in a vortex of obligation.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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