i already hear my dad disowning me
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
