Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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