We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
