When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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