We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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