it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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