Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
