I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
