I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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