So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
