my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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