I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
