Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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