he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
