she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
