This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
being pregnant is like rehab
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
