i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize