listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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