Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
