My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
