This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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