the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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