i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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