I like to think it a success when the cops are called
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
