my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
