i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
