My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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