You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
