My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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