I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
