I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
