I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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