Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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