i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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