I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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