I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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