I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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