Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize