BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
