My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
