Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
