I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
