I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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