guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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