mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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