Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
