I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
