My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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