It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
