I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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