I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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