I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
